The Holidays and the Comparison Trap: When Other Families Look Happier Than Yours

By: Devin Tomiak, Academic Life Coach

Every December, it happens. You’re scrolling, smiling, sipping something warm—and then boom:

A photo of a family wearing matching pajamas, laughing in a living-room that somehow looks like it was professionally lit.

Meanwhile, you’re still finding shreds of last year’s tinsel under the couch, or you’re trying to remember where the menorah is stashed.

And suddenly, without your permission, your brain whispers:

“Why doesn’t our family feel like that?”

“Are we doing something wrong?”

“Shouldn’t the holidays feel… happier?”

Welcome to the Comparison Trap—holiday edition.

Why the Holidays Trigger Comparison So Easily

The season is marketed as a highlight reel: joy, peace, connection, coordinated sweaters, smiling children, magical moments.

But for real families?

It’s logistics. Noise. Emotions. Exhaustion. A small human melting down because the store ran out of candy canes with blue stripes.

And here’s the key:The brain is wired to compare—not to be unkind, but to figure out safety, belonging, and where you stand. It’s an old survival mechanism at work.

For most of human history, staying connected to your group was essential, so the brain constantly asked, “Am I fitting in? Am I okay here?” 

That instinct hasn’t gone away. It still runs automatically, even now, and even when the “other people” you’re comparing yourself to are strangers on a screen.

It’s not insecurity.

It’s not lack of self-awareness.

It’s an automatic, evolution-wired response—your brain doing what it was designed to do.

That’s why comparison happens instantly and effortlessly. Since it’s biology doing what it was built to do, these instincts are triggered before your rational brain can say, “Relax, it’s just Instagram.”

During the holidays, that drive to compare gets supercharged:

• more social gatherings

• more family expectations

• more traditions

• more “shoulds”

• more curated images of other people’s joy

  
  

Your Brain on Comparison

Here’s the real kicker: When the brain enters comparison mode, it moves out of presence and into threat.

That means:

• less patience

• more reactivity

• more overwhelm

• harder time accessing joy

• harder time enjoying your actual family

Which is why trying to think your way out of comparison rarely works. The nervous system needs something else first:

A pause.

Not a big one. Just 10 seconds.

You cannot shift your mindset until you shift your physiology.

When you take a tiny, 10-second pause and tune into your body —noticing one slow breath, feeling your feet on the floor, listening as the dog yawns or the dishwasher purrs—you’re doing something powerful without realizing it.

You’re calming your nervous system.

You’re sending it the memo, “We’re okay right now.” And when the body gets that message, the brain shifts out of “threat mode” and into “clear-thinking mode.”

That’s the moment when better thoughts become available, like:

“The best connection often comes out of messiness.”

“It’s okay for our holidays to be human and imperfect.”

“Good memories don’t require good lighting.”

A calmer body gives you a clearer mind. And a clearer mind steps out of comparison without the struggle.

What Actually Makes Holidays Feel Meaningful

Not matching outfits, not elaborate tables, not cinematic lighting.

Meaning comes from:

• small moments of presence

• genuine connection

• shared humor

• repairing after conflict

• noticing one thing that’s going well

Even tough moments matter; they’re part of the family story being written. Your kids won’t remember whether the ornaments were evenly spaced. They’ll remember how it felt to be around you.

And presence—not perfection—is what creates that feeling.

A Simple Practice for This Season

When comparison or overwhelm hits, try this 20-second reset:

1) Pause (10 seconds) and tune into your body.

Rub your fingertips together, noticing the little ridges. Or pay attention to one slow breath as it moves through your nose, into your belly, and then exits your mouth.

2) Name one small truth. (5 seconds)

Something like:“Real life is always messy.”

or

“Perfection is overrated.”

3) Notice a tiny good thing. (5 seconds)

A laugh. A scent. A sliver of connection. A piece of calm.

Tiny counts. This interrupts the mental spiral and anchors you back into your own life—where the real magic actually happens.

And If You Want More Calm and Self-Command…

My new workshop, The Pause Project, is all about becoming your best self, and getting out of the thought-tornado. It’s practical, neuroscience-backed, and incredibly helpful for navigating school, parenting, work, relationships, and everyday stress. Best of all, the tools are really simple and blend right into your day, so they don't feel like another thing for the to-do list.

Registration is open. Check it out.

Thanks for reading,

Devin