What Thanksgiving Gets Wrong About Gratitude (And How to Fix It)

By: Devin Tomiak, Academic Life Coach

Every parent hopes Thanksgiving will bring out the best in their kids—more appreciation, more helpfulness, more awareness of how fortunate they are.

But often?

We get eye rolls.

One-word answers.

A distracted teen staring at a screen while the sweet potatoes burn.

And the well-intentioned parental urge kicks in:

“Look alive! It’s gratitude season!”

“You have so much compared to others.”

“Thanks... remember?”

We mean it from a loving place. But it rarely works.

Not because kids don’t care… But because you can’t instruct a kid to be grateful any more than you can instruct a turkey not to be dry.

Gratitude is something the brain has to experience, not perform on command.

Gratitude Is a Shift in Attention

Most people think of gratitude as a virtue. In reality, it’s a neural state that occurs when the brain slows down enough to notice something good.

But here’s the catch: The brain can’t access gratitude when it feels stressed, overwhelmed, criticized, or rushed.

So when we push gratitude during a loud, busy Thanksgiving day—or when our teen is already emotionally fried—it's like asking someone to meditate in the middle of Times Square.

Talking about gratitude doesn’t create gratitude. Safety and presence do.

Gratitude Grows Through Experience, Not Instruction

When teens hear advice or moral guidance (even loving, heartfelt guidance!), their brain often interprets it as pressure. Or judgment. Or a pop quiz they didn’t study for.

Even gentle comments like:

“You should appreciate this.”

can set off their inner defense alarm.

And once that alarm rings?

Openness goes out the window.

You’re talking to a nervous system, not a person.

Their nervous system essentially says:“I’m being evaluated.”

And the gratitude window slams shut.

In that moment, their system is on the defense, and they're not connecting. Gratitude requires calm; stress requires survival. The two can’t happen at the same time.

Think back to the times you’ve felt genuinely grateful.

Chances are, no one sat you down and asked for a five-sentence reflection.

It happened because:

• You paused long enough to notice something meaningful.

• You felt connected to someone.

• You savored something small.

•  You took one slow breath.

This means gratitude is less about speeches and more about subtle, lived micro-moments.

What Actually Helps Build Gratitude

1) A Calm Nervous System

Gratitude thrives in a regulated body.

Even 10 seconds of slowing your breath or softening your shoulders sends a subtle signal to your teen’s nervous system: “We’re okay right now.”

And when the body feels safe, the brain becomes available for connection—and gratitude can finally show up.

2) Sensory Savoring

The speech about gratitude is all fine and good, but even more impactful is when you help the brain land in the present moment.

Simple sensory details act like tiny anchors.

• the smell of cinnamon

• the warmth of the oven

• the first bite of stuffing

These sensory details pull the brain out of worry, comparison, and distraction and into the here and now. And presence is the gateway to gratitude. You can’t feel grateful for something you’re not truly noticing.

3) Curiosity Instead of Instruction

Try swapping: “Share what you’re grateful for.”

for: “What’s one little thing from today that felt good?”

Here’s why it works:

• Small feels manageable.

• Manageable feels safe.

• Safe allows the brain to open to reflection.

• An open brain can access genuine gratitude.

  
  

It’s not the size of the moment that matters—it’s the emotional safety around it.

Some kids will share in the moment. Others will process later. Both ways are normal.

Want a Simple Gratitude Practice for This Week?

Here’s one you can use around the table or in the car:

• Slow down for 10 seconds

• Ask one gentle question: “What’s one good thing from today?”

  
  

It could be:

• “The pie crust turned out.”

• “The dog didn’t steal food this time.”

• “I liked the smell of the kitchen.”

• “I got to take a nap.”

• “I found a parking spot that wasn’t a mile away.”

  
  

The key:

Small = safe

Safe = sincere.

Small wins count.

Actually, small wins are the practice.

They are what wire gratitude automatically.

Want to Build More Calm, Connection, and Emotional Skills?

If you’re looking for easy tools that help kids and parents stay calmer, connect more, and build emotional resilience in tiny, doable ways, registration is now open for my Thriving Mind Series.

It’s practical, quick, science-backed, and built for real families with real schedules (and real teenagers).

If this kind of shift feels good for 2026, I’d love to have you join us.

Thanks for reading,

Devin