Why Success in School Doesn’t Equal Success in Life

By: Devin Tomiak, Academic Life Coach

If your teen is racking up A’s, juggling varsity sports, leading three clubs, and volunteering on weekends, you might be high-fiving your co-parent and saying: Whew, we’re in the clear. They’re set for life.

Not so fast.

Good grades and jam-packed extracurricular schedules may look like signs of success, but they’re not the same thing as engagement. Achievers—the kids who check every box—aren’t always cultivating the qualities that matter most once the structure of high school disappears. They’re motivated, yes, but often by external rewards: grades, trophies, praise, and the promise of getting into a “good” college.

The problem? College creeps up fast. And once they’re there, the boxes to check start disappearing. There’s no honor roll for attending lectures. No gold star for choosing a major. No guaranteed applause for navigating failure, heartbreak, or uncertainty. That’s where engagement—the ability to be genuinely curious, self-aware, and intrinsically motivated—matters most.

The Achiever Trap

Here’s what the book The Disengaged Teen by Jenny Anderson and Rebecca Winthrop makes clear: collecting gold stars isn’t the same as learning who you are. High-achieving kids can become experts at following directions and satisfying the system. But what happens when the system changes? When there’s no longer a “right” answer? When they’re the ones who have to decide what matters?

As the authors write:

“Engagement is not about working harder; it’s about caring more deeply. When students are engaged, they become proactive learners—asking questions, seeking help, and connecting their learning to their lives.”

That’s why many achievers stumble in college or in their early careers. They’ve perfected the art of performing, but not of pausing to ask: What do I care about? What motivates me? What problems do I want to solve?

Why Engagement Matters Even More in the Age of AI

If there was ever a time when engagement—not just achievement—was critical, it’s now. The rise of AI has thrown the future of work into uncharted territory. No one can predict exactly which jobs will exist in five, ten, or twenty years. The only thing experts agree on? The skills that will matter most aren’t about memorizing facts or following rules.

In a recent global survey of employers, the top skills named were: analytical and creative thinking, resilience and flexibility, curiosity, self-awareness, and lifelong learning.

Sound familiar? Those are the very traits cultivated by engagement.

Kids who can adapt, reflect, and stay curious won’t just survive uncertainty—they’ll thrive in it. AI may shift the “what” of work, but engagement builds the “how”—the capacity to keep learning, pivot, and make meaning no matter how the landscape changes.

Beyond the Ivy League Myth

Here’s another truth parents need to hear: research shows that the only group of kids for whom admission to an Ivy League school reliably changes their life trajectory are those from poor families. For everyone else, it’s not the institution that makes the difference—it’s how engaged they are while they’re there.

Are they actively seeking out classes and experiences that interest them?Are they finding mentors and asking for help when they need it?Are they building a community that will sustain them through both challenges and opportunities?

That’s the difference between “checking the box” of elite admission and cultivating the mindset that leads to a meaningful life.

Cultivating a Love of Learning

At the heart of engagement is something simple yet profound: a love of learning. Not learning for a test, not learning for a grade—but learning because it connects to who you are and the life you want to live.

Cultivating this love of learning is an integral part of living a meaningful life. When kids are engaged, they don’t just chase success—they build the self-awareness and intrinsic motivation that fuels both achievement and happiness.

What Sets Engaged Learners Apart

Engaged learners are different. They still achieve—but their success is rooted in something deeper: self-awareness and intrinsic motivation.

They know when to push themselves and when “good enough” is actually the smart choice. They know how to connect their learning to their lives. They’re resilient because they see challenges as growth opportunities, not threats. And most importantly, they’re energized, not drained, by the process of learning itself.

In short, engagement doesn’t just prepare kids to get into college—it prepares them to thrive once they’re there, and long after.

What’s a Parent To Do

So here are the real questions:

• What can parents do to help their kids build engagement, not just achievement?

• How do we support self-awareness and motivation that lasts beyond high school?

• And how can we shift from checking boxes to cultivating curiosity, resilience, and purpose?

  
  

These are the questions I’ll be digging into in my upcoming workshop, "Straight A’s Don’t Guarantee Life Success—Here’s What Does." If this resonates with you, I’d love for you to join—or reach out to continue the conversation.

Thanks for reading.