Why Goals Are Overrated

When it comes to helping teens thrive—whether in school, sports, or just surviving family dinner without sarcasm—our instinct is usually to set goals. “Get better grades.” “Spend less time on your phone.” “Exercise more.” 

Goals feel concrete, measurable and actionable. But here’s the truth: achieving a goal only changes your life for a moment. And that’s if you achieve the goal at all. The reality is a lot of goals are kind of like New Year’s resolutions. Inspiring for a hot second, but often abandoned before February. 

Think about it: winners and losers often have the exact same goals. What separates them isn’t what they want—it’s how they show up every day. Goals point you in the right direction, but they don’t create lasting change.

So What Actually Creates Lasting Change?

James Clear, in his book Atomic Habits, says it best: “Behavior that is incongruent with the self will not last.”

Translation: if your teen doesn’t see themselves as the kind of person who studies, trains, or follows through, no amount of nagging—or even goal-setting—will make it stick. The real game-changer isn’t chasing outcomes. It’s shifting identity. The question isn’t “How do I get an A?” It’s “Who is the kind of person that earns an A?”

Identity Is Built Through Habits

Here’s the magic: habits aren’t just things we do—they’re how we become who we are.

• Write a page? You’re a writer.

• Do a workout? You’re an athlete.

• Open your notebook for ten minutes? You’re a student who shows up to learn.

  
  

Every small action is a vote for your identity. Habits matter not just because they get results (though they do), but because they shift how we see ourselves.

And here’s the kicker: you don’t need perfection. You don’t even need to do it every day. You just need to do it most of the time. Consistency beats perfection—every single time.

Everyday Examples Teens Can Relate To

• School: Opening a textbook for 10 minutes before dinner? That’s a vote for being someone who shows up to learn—even if they don’t get through the whole chapter.

• Sports: Doing a few drills even when they’re tired? That’s what an athlete does.

• Friendships: Sending a kind text, apologizing when needed, or actually listening (instead of half-listening while scrolling TikTok)? That’s being a dependable, empathetic friend.

  
  

None of these are earth-shattering acts. But stack them up, and suddenly your teen isn’t just doing things—they’re becoming someone.

How Parents Can Reinforce Identity-Based Habits

Here’s how to help your teen connect the dots between what they do and who they are:

• Notice the effort. Instead of “You started your homework, now finish it!” try: “I see you sat down to start—way to get the ball rolling.”

• Tie it to identity. Instead of “Stop procrastinating,” try: “You’re a focused student—and you’ve only got a little ways to go before you’ve completed the whole thing.”

• Ask reflection questions. “What would an athlete / focused student / good friend do right now?” (Fill in the blank with whatever identity they’re aiming for.)

  
  

These subtle shifts help teens see their actions as evidence of identity, which makes the habits stick.

Why Systems Beat Willpower Every Time

Let’s be honest: Willpower works in sprints, but habits and systems win the marathon.

• A consistent study space signals “this is where I focus.”

• A phone-free zone removes the biggest distraction.

• Time blocks for work and breaks create rhythm and flow.

Systems make the right choice the easy choice—no willpower required.

The Bottom Line

Goals are fine. They point the way. But identity and habits are what actually carry your teen forward.

Every page they write, every drill they finish, every kind gesture—they’re not just tasks checked off a list. They’re votes for the person your teen is becoming. Over time, those votes add up. Habits become automatic. Motivation grows. Confidence builds. Resilience flourishes.

So instead of asking, “What goal should my teen set?” try asking:“Who do they want to become?”

And then cheer them on—habit by habit, vote by vote—as they grow into that identity.

By: Devin Tomiak, Academic Life Coach